I don’t understand what’s going on. Why do I feel so disconnected under pressure and in discomfort? This brain doesn’t feel like the same brain from yesterday. I keep telling myself I can’t do this, I don’t feel strong enough, Ready Enough. I just kept asking myself ” What is the reason what’s my purpose? The pressure is supposed to form diamonds right? I don’t need nobody. I don’t need to be nobody. Those are the things I struggle with inside my body. I know God has me but I’m scared of myself. I’m disconnected from reality. Reality is giving boredom. Black mirror, like what is there to look forward to. The lack of it all. I’m a wreck. Dealing with triggers and traumas when this is supposed to be the best years of my life. God why me?! I’m feeling like I wanna flee to be with you. Wrapped in your arms and mercy. Take this pain away from me. Because it’s getting too hard to function to live with. Save me, lord. Save me, please!

Part Two

Honestly… I’m miserable at the moment. Unmotivated, sick physically and mentally. Tired of all the constant negativity and complaining from the world. I never experienced bed rotting before last week, and trust me, it’s not fun. Tik-Tok should send me an award for my newly found screen time. I honestly never felt like this before. It’s like I’m ready to leave it all behind, family and all. It’s hard to find joy nowadays, and if I didn’t know any better, I would say someone or something has placed a spell over me. I’m not myself anymore. I don’t even look the same. There is nothing I can think of that even sounds remotely fun or summons any enjoyment in my life. I hate everyone and everything. I asked God/Jesus to help me while apologizing for stopping my daily prayer. They say when spiritual people run back to God, it’s because they are scared. Not me; I’m just done and, quite frankly, ready to be held in His arms. I just want to feel peace, be peace. I’ve been having terrible dreams—ones of past traumas, the kind that haunts you in your day-to-day life. Deep-rooted resentment takes over me, so much so that my own mother can’t even get grace out of me at the moment. The devil has me good. Many women and men would kill, steal, and cheat to be in the position I’m in, but for me, it’s doing no good. You wouldn’t even begin to understand how blessed I am, In a position of true, authentic wealth and abundance sent to me from the Lord up above. I should be grateful, and I am, but with this type of timing I’m on, it feels like a disease without the daily interference of life’s struggles. Where do I go from here? Where do you go when the anguish is eating you alive? The worrying, the constant distractions from all the discomfort you may be going through. When it feels like no one connects to you, not a soul who understands. I pray with these words in hopes of healing in my authenticity.