Trying to conceive is one of the most emotional journeys a woman can experience. It’s filled with hope, longing, and at times, heartbreak. What begins as excitement and dreams of holding a new little life can quickly become a cycle of waiting, testing, and questioning yourself when things don’t go as planned. This post is a glimpse into my personal diary entries during my TTC journey, where I open up about the highs and lows, the silent prayers, and the tears behind the negative tests.

These notes aren’t polished stories; they are raw moments that capture the weight of waiting and the battle between hope and disappointment. My hope in sharing them is not only to process my own emotions, but also to remind others walking this path that they are not alone. If you’ve ever felt the sting of another negative test or the ache of wanting a baby with your whole heart, I hope these words resonate with you.

Diary Note One

Today I received a negative test. I cried and felt like I had done something wrong. I felt disappointed after my high hopes and positive expectations. I definitely felt like the universe had been playing with my emotions in my face.

Diary Note Two | Baby Number 3

I’ve been trying to conceive since September, and ever since then, baby has been on my brain and everyone else too! December cycle is almost up. 2 days away from my missed period. I’m definitely eager to test. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle the news. This is such a sensitive subject for me. This month, I told myself to stop over obsessing! I didn’t track each day I baby danced this time. Tried not to read into my symptoms and talk about it as little as possible.

Diary Note Three

This cycle, my man asked me if I was going to have his baby. God knows I’m waiting for my positive, I’m just feining for it too much. Nero says you can only have what you already got. Whatever that means. I want to test, but I’m scared. What if it’s negative? I’ll be okay. I’m blessed to have both my girl and my boy, so truly I’m Satisfied. But just not complete.

Diary Note Four | 12/18/24

Well the test came back negative…..

Now I’m the one crying like a baby.

It’s just not happening on my timing, and that breaks my heart. Part of it is the Chinese predictions. Last month to conceive a girl, according to them, but mostly it’s the mental mind games that I feel are going on. The symptoms, The Verbal cues from the ones around me. Now I’m thinking that something gotta be wrong with me. TTC is too much for my mental health. I want another baby, but mentally I can’t try anymore. My world is spinning. I just want to go back to the time when baby didn’t consume my brain!