I have learned some things from my city, some hard realizations as well. I’m not gonna bother you with too many details but the main point of this is to say that everything that you’ve been looking for is right inside of you. cliché right?. You’ve found someone who grew up without a car and now spends her days driving around the city in the name of therapy searching for something or someone who can change her perception of life. For years driving in circles.
I used to find joy driving downtown. Heading to the Trader Joe’s and Cava that’s 5 minutes away. Typically a 20-30 min drive from my house. I’ve moved so it’s a little longer now. As the time passes… Around my parts of town we’re having major developments, a brand new Cava, a brand new Trader Joe’s, and the newest craze Bucess! This alternates my reality for sure. Now that 30 min drive of thought regulation turned into a 5 minute drive of easily accessible body oil and focaccia bread.
Even the places I traveled to, and had a pleasure to experience such as Zaxby’s in South Carolina it’s now on its way here a 15 minute drive for something that I would have originally had to fly across the United States for. Is it almost as if all my life experiences are collapsing into my current reality. I think about all the times that I have asked God for the resources, the money to accomplish my dreams, and how many times God has provided those resources and the money and yet still no dreams accomplished. I think about the teenage me sitting in my room, crying to Wale’s diaries, not knowing where life will take me or if I will ever find someone to love me or live the life I ever so dreamed of.
One I deserve, full of friends, family, bliss. Even without carrying the perfect picture of what I thought life would be. I stand strong in graciousness, gratefulness as every aspect was as real as I could’ve imagined. Now what?? Is the question on my mind. I’m in charge. I have full autonomy. Full control of my life my body. Plenty of past time that goes unused. I am the problem. The one holding ME back. I folded again and again and I’ve came to terms with if given the chance I would fold again. Knowing I deserved to be spoiled and have nice things it’s just the stuff ain’t what it seems after all there’s lives that are way more important. Lively hoods I have to keep afloat and with a mindset like that with me you’re just sailing on a sinking boat. I pray to the lord above to give me the spirit of devote. Compassion understanding patience and forgiveness. As god as my witness no choice is better. a
Avoiding the hatered Inside me that holds me like an ugly sweater. It’s all so telling. Actively making the decision to go against her. She feels so vile. Undermining the sassy of it all. We cope and we pray to the heavens of her wrath. To spare the ego and strip her focus to what truly matters, love , respect and comfort that doesn’t make you second guess your existence.
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